I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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