I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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