I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
