Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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