He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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