i need an iv and a liver transplant
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
