My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
