at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
