I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
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if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
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Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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