If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
