i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
