So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
