please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
