Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
