My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
