I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
