im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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