We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize