When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
