my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
