She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
