1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
