today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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