Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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