it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
