Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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