my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
