i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
