i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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