the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
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