I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
