I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
