I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
