we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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