do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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