Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
