Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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