I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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