im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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