Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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