Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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