I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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