Do you still have your period?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
