You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He shit in the fireplace
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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