smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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