tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
