Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
