we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
