Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
