Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
