Apparently you make a good broom.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
