Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together