I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
