Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.