I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
