I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
