Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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